comedy all around

ok.. i established something yester night. ginseng is not meant for boosting memory!! it is acknowledged for keeping your energy levels up. that makes sense now!! apparently, the magic cure for short term memory loss is another funky japan-ko nonsense by the name gingko biloba. the local chinese doctor plomises me that gingko is vely vely good for my memoly. so, i must give it a try.

monica got news from our HR regarding maternity leave. seemingly she gets paid 90.2% of her weekly salary for 15 weeks and on top a government regulated value for the subsequent 20 weeks. this is not bad as i was ok with monica parking herself at home from september onwards. besides she has 4 working weeks of holiday entitlement that she can avail before the end of december. so, she can rest and be out of work for 39 weeks and still get paid for that!! all in all this is good for her and for me, financially.

paternity leave? the HR has no bloody idea since this company has never employed a "father to be" until now. but the hearsay is, i get one week off for my hard work. goodie!! i have lived in so many countries – india, usa, australia, singapore and now the uk. this country by far presents the best civil liberties i can think off. the health service is fantastic although a local would be more critical of my contention. we need not pay for anything - even if we need a brain tumor removed!! dependants have more flexible work rights than even the permit holder. the maternity & paternity earnings actually come from the government and not from the company!! the list can go on for ever. but this country also taxes the most i guess. i & monica together pay tax well in excess of US $3300 per month. on top of this you have indirect taxes – council tax, value added tax [similar to GST], pissing tax, shiting tax etc. etc. adding up to another few hundred US dollars a month. but no worries on that subject really. the past 5 years undoubtedly have been the best years for me. i owe it all to england.

coming back to baby names from yesterday, monica's thinking has turned a few corners. she desires to know how our kids would "address" us. WHAT? is this really important now? i say "dad" is quite simple and pleasing. but no, posh monica suggests "matashri" and "pitashri" from the Mahabaratha!! WHAT? is this woman for real or is my baby playing with some of the switches in her body? she also does not want debatable names – the names that could mean something else in some other country. she gives an example, "mani" a typical south Indian name actually means "sperm" in indonesia!! what the heck? aditya could mean "hippopotamus breath" in burkina faso! do we have to really care?

my cousin prakash, from good old madras, suggests I change the name of this blog from "amrita puri" to "bhel puri". may be he is right. but do you guys know what [amritapuri] is?

leonardo, my sri lankan mate from australia, sent an email a year back to monica. it was simple and it read "dear monica, i have become a father. ps:not the kind you would see in churches.".

oh leo!! sometimes he cracks me up. ok, "father" is out – but "dad" is ok.

we have a long weekend – monday is a holiday in england! looking forward to that.

rude awakenings

apologies for missing a blog yesterday. i had been so productive at work [surprise] that i did not have the time to even check email. monica's six weeks' worth of folic acid supplements appear to be ready at the pharmacy and ready for collection. the ginseng magic appears to be working now as i can at least remember that i have been taking ginseng for 5 days !! from that, my memory is far healthier than it was 5 days back.

ignominy !! i went to tesco, a local superstore, on monday evening and bought a small load of stuff. everything scanned and painstakingly placed in the plastic bags ready to take home. the humiliation came about when the check-out lady said, £16.24 please !! i had forgotten to carry my wallet with me !! after some bollywood style flash backs, everything in bright, fluorescent colour ofcourse, i could vividly recall placing the wallet safely on the coffee table at home. bloody ginseng had let me down !! what nonsense. i had to wriggle and writhe, very politely confess to the check-out lady that i had left the wallet at home. she seemed sympathetic, understood these things happen to morons, and suggested i go and fetch the wallet. just when i was feeling grateful to the lady for not poking fun of me, she said "you realise sir, i cannot let you take the stuff with you before you pay for them ?" well, doh !!

anyway, i am being harrassed in the nights recurrently. it is not subtle any longer. monica has got hold of a cattle prod from some place and keeps jabbing me every few hours to stop snoring. i usually flip to one of my sides and hope my snoring would subside. what else can i do ? although it will suit monica very well, stitch my mouth ? like mark twain said, "a man will never be able to ascertain why he cannot hear himself snore". so, i am at peace.

the Mahabaratha has been on stage in monica's mind. she keeps wrenching names out of the Mahabaratha for baby names !! luckily, i have veto power [or at least the power to suggest alternatives]. she says "pandu", i says "ghatotkacha". she keeps asking why i do not like some of the names she suggests and adds to her persuasion that those were great people.

at the end of the argument we settle upon "aditya" but also agree to draft a name list to browse later. suggestions are most welcome – monica & i must remind you of our veto powers.

we went into the city a few days back and i took some pictures with monica and yovita. you can view the pictures [here].

feedbacks and bite backs

the wishes keep pouring in non-stop. most of them seem to have a "ask monica to be alert & you better take care of her properly bastard" thesis. i wonder why all of this go to monica and none for me ! chris, my ex-line manager from nokia, even said "oh boy, now you really have to be sensible". what is he trying to say ? any allusion to my work back at nokia ?

i have to shamefully confess that i was all out of sorts for two whole weeks leading up to the day of my marriage. if i could use words to explain how perturbed i was, then blogspot.com will surely shut down suing me for using up all their storage space. a nightmare. even the catholic priest was in a "interview that heathen and find out what he knows about love" disposition. i can remember standing next to monica having to shake 550 peoples' hands who were at the wedding reception and i knew none of them !! it was just like a dumb american blonde hostess standing at the exit saying "thank you for flying trans american" to 400 odd passangers. my unfortunate mate, william [click here], has to do this fire walk this summer.

having conquered "nervousness" on the day of my wedding, i feel quite cozy at the moment. may be the fear will come back to irk a bit a few days before the baby is due. monica's unsettled stomach seems to have mellowed down a bit. i attribute it to the change in her diet. my home smells like a fruit vendor's. indubitably, fruit flies would love to make mine their home in the short term.

monica loves to write romantic [bullshit] novels in her native tongue and it is usually a ".. hapily ever after" ending. the lass in her novel is usually gita. we decided, more than 2 years back, if we have a girl her name will be gita. i also used to read a verse from the 'Bhagawad Gita' every day and gita is a name i enthusiastically liked. now, here comes the toughy. what if the baby is a boy ? yovita, my sister-in-law [genius] suggested bhagawat !! hmm.. not a genius after all.

i've been reading some biology books on human reproduction, x&y chromosomes, genes etc. and all the other confusing gibberish. while at singapore i tried hard looking for a "mixed" baby - specifically an indian and a chinese mix. i could not find any as i was too much in a hurry. i just hope the chromosomes do their stuff properly [no improper mixing please] !! i am hoping our baby will be a balanced mix - not a short, black, quick-eyed, bent nosed baby.

sincere wishes

i sent out an email informing friends and family about the impending arrival of my baby boy [or baby girl] in jan 2005. when i arrived for work this morning, i was quite overwhelmed by all the replies and sincere wishes. one among them was unique. my mate sparkal, from melbourne, said i have taken a step in the "right direction". it didn't mean much to me but it has been 7 hours since i read his email. you know, he is absolutely right. i've been thinking more like a family man the past 1 week than i have over the past 8 years with monica.

marriage is not for companionship alone. it is for propagation [of faith, of values, of morals] and for utmost commitment. had it been only for companionship i guess most people would fancy staying as "partners" and not as "husbands and wives".

i've been already thinking about "delivery" & the pain that goes with it. i have this flamboyant vision of monica holding on to my testicles and squeezing them with every push she makes in the maternity ward so that i might experience the pain she feels. OUCCCCH !! i was wondering how my demure looking wife would deliver the baby come crunch time. speaking of sparkal, something swiftly hit me. his wife arati is one of the most minuscule of women you would ever see. you look at her and speculate how in the world she could carry a baby although sparkal himself seems to be carrying triplets in his tummy permanently. arati is so petite, her hips are barely wide enough to blast the odd fart out let alone a baby !! monica is even smaller than arati. although monica has no trouble being a fart cannon, I still cannot comprehend how she will push the baby out come delivery time.

my BBC [british born chinese, ex-nokia colleague] friend, daniel, said he cannot believe i am reproducing. thinking about it, i am an indian, monica an ethnic chinese. after all, we are the two communities that have over populated this planet.

now i have a mental picture of a conveyor belt and a mass baby production line.

my next blog will be on monday.

niggles

why do we call it "morning sickness" ? in monica's case we should be calling it "MAN sickness - morning, afternoon and night" !. she grumbles about nausea but can't vomit. apart from her incessant grievances, i am quite apprehensive about her not vomiting. have you seen how a pregnancy is deftly portrayed in bollywood movies ? the ever so obedient daughter-in-law [AKA house donkey] is going about her daily household errands and suddenly vomits !! vvwwwooooooooikkkkk !!. invariably the mother-in-law, with her gigantic arse, is the first one to sight this and comes running towards her daughter-in-law in slow motion with new found love & affection to the background strumming of 101 veenas and sitars.

monica's mom apparently had this morning sickness for 5 months. annie, my associate, gives me more grief by declaring she had it for 7 months !! krithi, my sister, who has delivered twice insists this is almost a myth as far as she is concerned. may be this sickness affects chinese people more than any other ethnic community. i must reconcile with the possibility monica's queasiness could last anywhere between 5 and 7 months. i feel sorry for monica as she can't sleep well when she feels half her stomach is in her throat. up until a week back, monica would wake up in the night only because of my snore. monica who alleged "nagi, you snore as if you are in a direct competition with a vacuum cleaner on heat" has been keeping me awake off late with her sighs and heavy breathing !

i have been noticing something funny. beef, chicken, seafood .. things which are usually monica's favourites make her detest them with a vengeance. sometimes she can't even stand the smell !! surprisingly, she has a fanatical craving for apples, pears, grapes, papayas and broccoli.

i have this impression that my baby is distinctly vegetarian like me.

need to plan now

we saw this general practitioner at the clinic yesterday and told him monica could be pregnant. he wanted to check for himself, handed her a small container and instructed her to bring a urine sample from her first passing the following day. additional instructions were given on the assumption that monica is indeed pregnant. he told us how things work in england, assigning a mid wife, blood test, scans, registering her to the "rosie maternity hospital" etc. etc.

he mentioned something about hepatitis B and some tests need to be done as it is quite prevalent in asia. apparently this bloke used to be a doctor with the royal air force and has practically flown to every corner of the world on various missions. to my horror he claims all his patients in hong kong had hepatitis B. he suddenly jerked, asked monica where she hails from. "indonesia" she says and he follows it up with "how did you come to the UK". with hind sight i grasp this doc was too nosy. but yesterday, for what ever reason, i acted like a little boy standing in the corner clutching on to his 2 inch penis answering everything with a "yes sir, sheriff sir". i bet he was thinking, with monica's far eastern looks, i fetched monica from a "mail order bride" catalogue and i guess he wanted one for himself. when i informed him that we had met back in australia during our university days he looked quite disappointed.

"so", he continues, "this is a planned pregnancy, I presume". monica blushes and nods in agreement. i tell you, this guy cannot shut up. he says "how long have you been trying" and we tell him "a month, there abouts". he looks at me and says "wow !! strong, young man" and i being to look like a sheep. he asks if we have any questions for him. i thought he would never ask. we ask him about monica's nausea and what can be done, her diet, vitamin supplements and he responds with "no no no !! you do no such thing woman. We do not like to give any medicine for nausea except in severe cases". however, he was nice enough to suggest acupuncture as a means to alleviate this nausea. he said "except for folic acid", doctors in europe [excluding italy] advice no vitamin supplements. no aspirin, paracetemol is ok. he advices her to eat vegetables, fruits, meat .."red meat" as it has iron. i ask him about "quantity" - does she eat for two now ? he says, "no no no !!! you do no such thing woman. the baby is like a parasite, the baby takes all the nutrients it needs from you. no need to eat any more than you usually do". i felt i have been misinformed by all those bollywood movies. all the old grannies in those movies have been over stuffing those poor pregnant souls with excess food. he drives a point, "getting rid of excess weight after pregnancy is not easy" and he gives an example of his "nepalese gurka women" and how fit they & their babies were during and after pregnancy just by following a very meager diet.

he may be a bit unusual. i am sure he knew what he was talking about. this afternoon monica called the clinic and they confirmed she is pregnant.

work is a drag

we have this demo for a "public safety authority" that is scheduled for mid june. i am supposed to get this RADIUS extension called EAP to get working with our VPN solution. ever since i joined this company i have been involved with way too much coding. this is not good since there are severe limitations with me when it comes to programming and i have no formal education in programming as such. i can do C very very well and that is where my software knowledge stops. there is absolutely nothing wrong with my logic. i am a researcher by education and i would be best placed working on specifications and design - may be even minimal implementation.

ever heard of a monkey coder ? no ? well, come to my company and you will find one. i do a lot of coding and i indeed look like a monkey, a black one at that ! when i was at nokia i was involved with so much research work i would look forward to waking up every morning so that i can do some more work. sounds geeky, but i am no geek. i would work every day until the security guards kicked me out as it was time to close. that changed when i joined this company. these days, after 2 alarms and half an hour of self imposed extra sleep i still do not feel like waking up. i dread work. to be fair, the work is not boring. i am sure it is somebody else's cup of tea.

return from singapore

the trip was good. as usual, whenever i go on holidays, i do not feel like getting back to work. zita was providential and got a job in a day. i have never seen santosh, my mate in singapore, as happy as he was when he explained to me the project he was working on. santosh magnanimously accepted zita as his employee without even interviewing her. i learned fazal finally proved his manhood. sheena is due to deliver in dec 2004.

monica might be pregnant as well. ever wonder why people say "congratulations" when you say "my wife is pregnant" ? i personally think getting a woman pregnant is fairly easy [ask any unmarried man and he would agree that the chances of his girl friend getting pregnant before marriage is close to 100%]. as a matter of fact, last month was the first month in 2 years of our marriage i & monica decided to have a baby. so, i tell my father in law in singapore "monica thinks she might be pregnant". he quivers, offers his thanks to Jesus, Rama, Buddha, Allah and everyone else - ends up congratulating me like i have never been congratulated before. i never thought becoming a grand father was that grand an occasion. or was he thinking, "i married my daughter off 2 years back, how come she is not pregnant yet" ?. i think he was finally relieved to find out my sperm is still quite powerful.

just recently, i found out 2 out of 5 women in the world have pregnancy related problems. they require IVF in order for them to become pregnant. success rate of one IVF cycle is about 30 % meaning women usually go through an average of 4 cycles before they become pregnant. each cycle costs them USD 5000 !! even before the baby is born, the baby has costed them USD 20,000 !! it is not that easy for 40 % of women to become pregnant. a variety of problems, both inherent in men & women, makes it difficult for an embryo to develop. suddenly, i see things in a different light and i am thankful to God.

i want to start my own company someday, don't know when. the more i think, the sooner i want to do it. there are far too many limitations, risks and confusions at the moment. will see what God has in store for me.